What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up (and What Happened?)

As children, we have big dreams of what we want to be when we grow up.  I still ask myself this question as an adult all the time.  I dreampt of being a singer/music teacher/songwriter.  I’d imagine I was on stage singing songs that would tell a story, connect with, and motivate people.  For years I felt like I did everything right: I practiced and followed direction, took the constructive criticism and made the improvements, made it my own and got the positive results.  But no matter how many leads I got, no matter how times I was requested (by name) to sing live or in the studio, asked to conduct a class in my teacher’s absence, or write a song, it never seemed to be enough to catapult me to the next level.   And I would ask myself (in the way we ask people we think could have really done something with their lives) “So what happened?!  Where did the low self-esteem come from?”  And I had the audacity to try and explain.  Well…there were times when I didn’t get the part I really wanted.  And there were even a couple of times when my own mother wouldn’t allow me to audition or sing in certain environments.  I realize now that she knew what was best for me back then.  These days, she pimps me out all the time.  And let’s not forget about the small handful who thought I was just “alright”.   If I tried and didn’t make the cut the first time, in my mind, I failed.  The words “not now”, “next time” or “try again” were not in my vocabulary.  Consequently I would give up on all the other things I saw myself doing like acting in community theater, writing books, doing speaking and coaching engagements, voice overs, a managerial position at work, or having a couple of businesses of my own.

The point is, when you’re younger, negative experiences can affect you in ways you don’t even realize until you’re an adult.  For me, it created space for fear and doubt.  I feared that, even if I became successful at a thing, one off day on my part would end everything, and I would never be called on again.  Someone once asked me “if you did a voice workshop one day, and from that workshop you gained 50 students, what would your first thought be?”  My first thought and reply was “I wonder how many of those 50 students will actually stay?”  I doubted everyone who said I was good at anything, always wondering if they were telling me the truth, or were just using my gifts, talents and skills for their own benefit (sometimes I still do).  After all, if I was as good as they said I was, I should be further along, right?  So why wasn’t anyone really helping me?  As an adult, intellectually I understand that it’s not what others think of me, but what I think of myself that matters most.  Nor is it anyone’s responsibility to make me feel good about myself.  So what am I really afraid of (and why)?

I realize that I have some work to do on me.  I am learning that, understanding who and what I am is just one part of the process, and I’ve only scratched the surface.  Sometimes the process forces you to face some truths about yourself that you’ve always known but chose not deal with, or uncovers something new that you didn’t even know existed (good and bad).   Still, it is a process that cannot be ignored and, if we’re honest with ourselves, it’s easier said than done.   I mean, who wants to revisit their past like that?  I sure don’t.   But you must because, chances are, your current habits and/or behaviors are derived from experiences in your past that need to be exposed and confronted.  You have to be willing to come out from behind your wall of your defense mechanisms of “I’ve been this way all my life.  I’m just being me.  That’s just the way I am”, and be vulnerable enough to admit that “I don’t like that part of me either, and it bothers me, and I want to change it”.  Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness.  It is having the courage to admit your weaknesses and insecurities.  Putting forth the effort, discipline and hard work to do something about it takes strength.  But knowing and/or not acknowledging those weaknesses, well that’s just being a coward.  Yeah, I said it.  And I can, because I’ve used that word on me, every time I asked myself what I was afraid of and chose not to answer.  For me, that meant I had to stop claiming that I was a product of my environment – I’m an African American stereotype where my parents divorced in my teens and my dad wasn’t around so I had built up a lot of resentment toward him, or that I came from a long line of strong women,  so I have to be the same way (that’s a whole other topic), or many applauded my abilities, but no one took me by the hand and guided me – when the real truth of the matter was (and is) somewhere deep down I believed what people said about me, and  allowed them and circumstances to dictate my life.  The funny thing is, I was taught and believe that your gifs, talents and skills are not just for you to hoard for your benefit.  But rather, God blesses you with these wonderful gifts, so that you can be a blessing to others.  And as you bless others, God blesses you with even more.  So as long as the world found the gifts, talents and skills I exhibited useful to their needs, I thought I was fulfilling my purpose.  Yet I still feel unfulfilled, and I don’t think I am anywhere near my full potential for success or happiness.  I ask God why He continually shows me that there is more, yet I can’t seem to get more.  He asks me, “Who told you that you can’t have more?  Because it wasn’t me.  Who are you listening to?”.  I didn’t like His answer at all, but He was right.  Yes, there were people, experiences and obstacles that came to slow me down and make it a little difficult at times , but none of them actually told me I couldn’t make it.  I was ashamed to admit to God, and myself, that it was me….I told myself I couldn’t make it.  I had no one else to blame.

So after a long time of self-evaluation and discovery, I think I have been able to break down my life into 3 main stages:

There is “The Garden Field” that I call my Present, where I think, dream, research, plan and practice.  It’s where the seeds are planted and cultivated.  I imagine the person I’d like to become, so I have to be consistent and deliberate.  It is a slow and tedious process.  It’s where a) I observe those who influence and inspire me to reach my goals, b) research, study and take notes about what it will take for me to achieve those goals, and c) plan and prepare to do practice runs of these goals.  I can research and plan like nobody’s business, so I actually like it here.  But I know I need to not be discouraged by trial-and-error, because I don’t like making mistakes or losing.  That’s just the honest truth.

Next is “The Forest” that I call my Testing Ground or Right of Passage.  The forest is a tricky place.  Initially it builds up my confidence.  Its starts out beautifully.  The sun is warm and peaking through the trees, which provide just enough sunlight and shade at the same time to keep me cool, calm and collected.  The Forest tells me that I can do anything I put my mind to and reminds me that I’ve done the work and put in the practice.  It gives me colorful images of my future self, and lures me deeper into the woods.  Then, out of nowhere, it asks “So, you think you’re ready to do this?”.  Suddenly, the forest is dark and cold.  The voices in my head (oh c’mon, we all have them) start to get a little louder.  My ‘computer of a brain’ commences to recall and replay all of the negative experiences and comments from my past.  Admittedly, I have come running right back to The Garden Field many times, because it had gotten a little too dark for me.  I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually made it all the way through the forest.

The third stage is “The Meadow”.  This is what my present could (and should) look like.  The Meadow has everything!  There is every flower you can think of with the most beautiful fragrances, butterflies and birds all around, and a huge lake. The sun is always shining and there’s not a cloud in the sky.  And all with a magnificent mountain backdrop.  I am now through the forest and on the other side.  The Meadow is a familiar but different present for me.  In The Meadow, I don’t fail, because failure is not a bad word anymore.  Rather it is an opportunity to review, repair, rebuild and re-do.  In the Meadow,  “not now” and “next time” are synonymous with “try again”.  It could also mean try something else…like that mountain!

So in which stage am I?  I bounce back-and-forth between The Garden Field and The Forest alot.  I have only seen The Meadow a couple times in my lifetime.  But on this journey, my intention is to get to The Meadow and never go backward, but move forward from there.  There is a song that says “The devil learns from your mistakes, even if you don’t”.   I will learn from my mistakes….and if that means I have to do it scared, then so be it.